Monday, February 06, 2006

my 'spot'

Tease very sensually all over..

very slowly...


use your hands.. your tongue..your breath.. lips.. your bottom..your voice... any part of you that feels good to use..

Go with your instincts and allow yourself to be lost in erotisism together with me...

take your rush.. time has no importance and has stopped for us right now

Tie me down.. dance for me.. strip for me.. feel your sensuality and be proud and reveal it to me..

Be erotic.. be dirty.. touch yourself and lose yourself in front of me...

when you see I am aroused, tease me.. do not give me what I want

No matter what I say I will do to you once I am free..

I am yours for this moment so make the most of it and torment me like I will torment you. your chance for revenge.. a little pain is good.. sensual and erotic pain for what goes around comes around.. again and again in this instance..

read me and my responses.. both physical and verbal. read my eyes as to what they say to you.. what they ask of you.. but do not be so quick to give.. as long as you do give eventually you will find my 'spot'

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

loneliness part 3

“Loneliness is the most terrible poverty.” Mother Teresa of Calcutta

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” Orson welles

I've got everything I need except a man. And I'm not one of those women who thinks a man is the answer to everything, but I'm tired of being alone.” No Name

“The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. Their heart withers if it does not answer another heart. Their mind shrinks away if they hear only the echoes of their own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.” No name

Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.” Paul Tillich

loneliness part 2

Contiued from part 1

Please read in order of the posts.

It took me the best part of a year to get over that and grow strong to be independent and happy again whilst being single. It was the first time I have ever felt loneliness and I think in extreme cases it is a killer. At least, it can be depressing and so upsetting, leading to all kinds of crutches being taken up.. Drink, drugs, cigarettes, prostitutes, gambling, whatever and sure I probably sound like a preacher now but some of those affected me.

My crutch became the fags and booze for a long while in increasing amounts, nothing ever too heavy but it was enough to make me realise it was for more than just the occasional drink. Thankfully now this latest drama in my life with my health has put an abrupt stop to both of those.

Anyway, I digress. I see more and more the feeling of loneliness in people’s lives, the fact of people staying in a non-satisfying relationship because they fear being alone. This to me is a big subject matter. Staying in a non-satisfying relationship because they fear being alone.

I can understand people’s reasons and certainly do not disrespect them for choosing that path. Who am I to judge? If anything, I empathise with them for I know the feeling. Also, depending on people’s age/circumstances it can be a seemingly impossible option to risk giving up a non-satisfying relationship but is it worth settling for less rather than learning to cope with being single and alone? I can answer for myself and the answer now is yes, but are you prepared to take that risk if it were you in that situation? I feel it is worth going through the learning curve of being alone as I can put my hand on my heart and say I feel better for it rather than being stuck in a relationship where I am not happy, building a wall around my heart trying to suffocate my deepest and most honest feelings, when they are really screaming at me to be free, sometimes tearing at my soul to be released from the soul destroying shackles I have chosen to place on my own heart.

“To be released from the soul destroying shackles I have chosen to place on my own heart.” Does that ring an alarm in your heart to read that line?

What are you prepared to do about it for your own happiness?

Is your happiness that important to you and worth that much to take that step needed if no one else is there to catch you but your self to pick up the pieces, put your self back together and dust yourself off?

Stand tall, head held high, then walk on and smile for the first time to yourself for doing yourself proud?

I understand fear for oneself

I understand compromise for others

I understand sacrifice for others

I understand responsibility to others

I understand commitment to others

If it makes you unhappy, how unhappy are you prepared to be to stay in a relationship that is making you feel that way?

Do you understand and still believe in self respect?

Are you worthy?

I say to you, yes you are. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are, just put a value on that and make the right decision and stand strong along side it. Its up to you to believe it

loneliness part 1 of 3

This blog is posted in 3 parts.

The first 2 parts are my thoughts/feelings
The third part will be a few quotes on the subject

I am posting this because I think people out there who have ever felt lonely may appreciate it or need to read it. I also believe it is one of the emotions many choose not to face head on. This is my attempt to open it up and in a way face my own demons even more than I have already. If it helps someone else do the same then I have succeeded in my goal.

This is not aimed at being a depressing post. It is about facing facts.

It is not aimed at anyone in particular. It is about accepting its ok to feel lonely, crap and low down, getting over any self-pity and wallowing and learning how to pick yourself up and grow strong.

It is about being aware of a potent emotion and facing it. It is about being strong and saying I don’t give a fuck, I stand tall and I’m proud and happy to be alone.

I wanted to write a blog on what I consider to me (in the last 18 months on and off in varying degrees) the strongest and most feared emotion I have experienced and also more recently one I see more and more in other people.

I was in a relationship for 3 and half years, which ended Oct '04. It should have ended at least one year before that to be honest but went through the 'trying to make it work thing' as you do and it never worked out. If we quit when we should have it would have only lasted 2 years I think.

So this story probably sounds very familiar to many so what is the point so far?

Well to me the only reason I think we stayed together was because the alternative choice was to face the fear of being alone. We tried to make it work but I know when I crossed the point of no return and into the abyss of staying in that relationship just because I was scared of being lonely. Yet I carried on for another year. I tried to block it out and thought I succeeded. I was wrong. I finally had enough and couldn’t go on anymore. I was sick of myself for lying to my girlfriend. I was sicker for lying to myself. I chose to finish it and when the loneliness kicked in I tried retreating back to my 'safe' haven with her. I didn’t realise that at the time, I thought I was still in love and felt so low was I prepared to go back to that life. It wasn’t to be. She found someone else. (And I am very grateful It didn’t work out)

She now lives in Spain and we are now close friends and mail and chat once a month or so. And all is well between us.

Back to the story.. I was left feeling gutted. The feeling of being alone was very depressing, verging on suicidal. The feeling that no one else out there cared. My soul mate was not around anymore. I used to cry to myself like a baby. To feel the pressure I put on myself to have a partner again but for the wrong reasons, they were just so I would not be alone. Does that sound famiiar to you? (Part 2 to follow)

Friday, January 20, 2006

walking into the wilderness.. and so many familiar faces!!

Just a quick hi from me and big thank you to Starlet and curious for guiding me here to relieve my boredom!!

Will come back to write more in good time, and look forward to catching up with many of you in this other land!!

Be happy

Gav xxx