loneliness part 1 of 3

This blog is posted in 3 parts.

The first 2 parts are my thoughts/feelings
The third part will be a few quotes on the subject

I am posting this because I think people out there who have ever felt lonely may appreciate it or need to read it. I also believe it is one of the emotions many choose not to face head on. This is my attempt to open it up and in a way face my own demons even more than I have already. If it helps someone else do the same then I have succeeded in my goal.

This is not aimed at being a depressing post. It is about facing facts.

It is not aimed at anyone in particular. It is about accepting its ok to feel lonely, crap and low down, getting over any self-pity and wallowing and learning how to pick yourself up and grow strong.

It is about being aware of a potent emotion and facing it. It is about being strong and saying I don’t give a fuck, I stand tall and I’m proud and happy to be alone.

I wanted to write a blog on what I consider to me (in the last 18 months on and off in varying degrees) the strongest and most feared emotion I have experienced and also more recently one I see more and more in other people.

I was in a relationship for 3 and half years, which ended Oct '04. It should have ended at least one year before that to be honest but went through the 'trying to make it work thing' as you do and it never worked out. If we quit when we should have it would have only lasted 2 years I think.

So this story probably sounds very familiar to many so what is the point so far?

Well to me the only reason I think we stayed together was because the alternative choice was to face the fear of being alone. We tried to make it work but I know when I crossed the point of no return and into the abyss of staying in that relationship just because I was scared of being lonely. Yet I carried on for another year. I tried to block it out and thought I succeeded. I was wrong. I finally had enough and couldn’t go on anymore. I was sick of myself for lying to my girlfriend. I was sicker for lying to myself. I chose to finish it and when the loneliness kicked in I tried retreating back to my 'safe' haven with her. I didn’t realise that at the time, I thought I was still in love and felt so low was I prepared to go back to that life. It wasn’t to be. She found someone else. (And I am very grateful It didn’t work out)

She now lives in Spain and we are now close friends and mail and chat once a month or so. And all is well between us.

Back to the story.. I was left feeling gutted. The feeling of being alone was very depressing, verging on suicidal. The feeling that no one else out there cared. My soul mate was not around anymore. I used to cry to myself like a baby. To feel the pressure I put on myself to have a partner again but for the wrong reasons, they were just so I would not be alone. Does that sound famiiar to you? (Part 2 to follow)